Grief sets deeply within, somewhere in your bones, your heart or soul.
It is not borrowed, it is stuck with you, never waiting for an invite. The thing about grief is it sneaks up on you at the most inopportune times. At any sudden moment, without notice, a knot will turn its way around in your throat. Triggered by a song with lyrics that stir your soul or triggered by a person whose expression sends neurons running rampant in your brain. When my grandmother passed there was a mix of relief and sadness. Relief that she was no longer suffering; Happy that in my faith, I know she is now with God and her loved ones gone before her. Sadness because she is no longer with us.
The kids at times, still expect to see Abuela in her room. My son, walking by the room today noticing the empty bed she was in for the past 13 months, was swept away by grief as he said to me, “Mom, I almost went to say goodbye to abuela, I forgot she’s not here anymore”.
I could hear his voice cracking and the grief in his heart.
We’ll be fighting the sadness back with good memories for an eternity. Knowing her love is with us won’t always make it any easier. Still, faith carries us in the knowledge that her spirit never goes too far. As they say, life goes on, with the help of our inner circle, family and routines, normalcy tries to return, and it does. Yet grief still lives here. Perhaps the grief will become a little dull, but like an imprint, it becomes a part of us.
My grandma was the strongest woman I know. With my mothers encouragement, she would exercise her arms using an arm stretch band. I can still see her pulling her arms up and down. As my eyes well up with tears, I can still hear her saying, “hola mija, hola mijo,” to the kids.
They say she was a fearful woman, but I didn’t see that side of her. I saw a woman who despite her struggles and disability lived boldly. I’ll never forget how she warmed tortillas, despite her blindness. How she walked around like she could see, despite not being able too. She held on for as long as she could. Her 90 years were full of many experiences. Being legally blind, she still experienced a rich life. I am blessed to have been blessed by her. By her legacy, her story, her offspring, her culture. We will forever miss my sweet grandma, but my faith tells me she is smiling down on us.
Grief will co-habitate within us but it will never overcome us.